snuggly snuggles are the best :)

I have been having some trouble sleeping recently. 31 weeks pregnant, SPD getting worse, feeling like an elephant, you know, the usual :)
Last night Fraser staggered through to our bedroom, all sleepy and rubbing his eyes. He climbed into bed with us and snuggled in. ARGH! its hard enough to sleep with a bump never mind a toddler too!! Steve and I both tried to move him but everytime we did he let out a little moan and cuddled in tighter so we settled into bed expecting a sleepless night. He was too cute to argue with :)
Surprisingly, I had the best nights sleep I have had in ages! The snuggles did it :) I forgot how nice co sleeping was. I didnt realise how much I had missed those little snuggles and sighs. He does love his own bed and is sleeping soundly in his own room tonight but it was nice to have a cuddly co sleeping night again and be reminded that he is still my baby after all. He is so independent now, its easy to forget how little he still is.
I have had more energy today becasue of better sleep so made banana bread and lemon drizzle loaf with the boys and jamie helped me do the shopping. He was happy to keep the £1 trolley coin for his super helpfulness, he is saving it for a spiderman toy :)

little things.

We returned from a weekend visiting my family in Glasgow yesterday, all absolutely exhausted and in need of an early night... all 3 boys grumpy and unsettled, up every hour or so and mummy and daddy both grumpy. not a mix for a nice sunday night in...
Sitting in the darkness in Fraser's room, in the nursing chair with him latched on for the twentieth time that night, in an attempt to get him to sleep. I was sitting, hoping the next time I looked down he would be sleeping and I could go to sleep too. Then the baby woke up, Fraser was lying across my tummy and the baby started kicking hard, I moved fraser across in case he was squishing squishy but he/she kept kicking and nudging :) It was as if he/she was playing with his/her brother from the womb. I started day dreaming about how they would play together and watching them bond. Picturing Frasers reaction when we introduced him to the new baby and watching him teach it how to play and run after him... after a while I looked down, fraser was fast asleep with his hand on my tummy and the baby still nudging it <3 ahhh the bliss of little bits of life you forget to appreciate in the middle of a tired, sleepless night. :)

silly me....

It was my 27th birthday today, after a mental festive season at home with 3 hyper, excited, unsettled boys and a quieter new year, I was looking forward to doing something different. I had in my head, a plan to visit local tea rooms for tea and cream scones, search through charity shops for forgotten trasures and have a browse around some little boutique shops with amazing quirky things I wish I could afford... I awoke to a lovely cup of tea in bed, a kicking baby in my tummy, a very grumpy toddler who just wanted milkies! a handmade card from my bigger boys <3 and of course being spoilt (by my wonderful husband) with a new laptop for my present :)
 I also awoke to a storm. All friends I was meant to see, had to cancel and stay in doors and my plans had to be halted. I was upset, the boys were stir crazy and it seemed for the 3rd year in a row, my birthay plans would be thwarted by the lovely Scottish weather. I was grumping around in my pjs.
Ben came into my room and was upset, he asked in a little voice, "mummy, why cant you just be happy to spend your birthday with us, we dont want you to go out and dont like seeing you uspet" with big tears running down his cheeks! oh my aching heart! My sweet sensitive boy, how could I have been so stupid... there was no reason to be upset that my birthday was always on a rubbish day, that my plans were always cancelled. I had everything I needed right here and felt incredibly guilty for ever wishing to be away from them for just a short time. Yes, they are a handful and can drive me halfway to insanity somedays but only with typical little boy things, that actually are just normal and healthy (things that adults forget about as they grow up and become wound up at).
Little boys run around mad, they are always busy and always asking questions, they dont like tea rooms, boutiques or shopping and they get wound up and excited easily... but thats the magic of little boys... They are hard work but they reward you ten fold with their sensitive hearts and their innocent minds. My birthdays were never meant to be all about me (even though sometimes even mummies need this just a little) they weren't spoiled by the weather or cancelled plans, they have been enriched with childrens laughter and play and I wouldnt have it any other way.
Today I thought about unfulfilled my life used to be, about how much I had gained and learned from these amazing little creatures in the past 6 years, and how much happier I am, now that I have all that I have. I felt like all my birthdays had came at once. Some people are not so blessed and I needed to write this down so that I could read it the next time I feel' hard done by' or disappointed over something silly... There are worse things I could be feeling and worse things that could happen and I am so grateful that all I had to be upset over today was the weather... silly me...

the best news :)

I cant believe it has taken me so long to blog about our new arrival news! Tiredness and nausea took over for a while. at 11 weeks pregnant I am starting to feel a bit better and get back to life again :)
We decided to try for baby number 4, we were hoping to be pregnant by christmas, 2 weeks later I was sick.... and so it begins :) A new leg to our journey, a new experience and new member of our family :)

I cannot wait to do it all again. The early days, the tiny baby in a sling, the snuggly feeds in bed in our little bubble of bliss. Fraser grew out of this a while ago and now refuses to sleep in our bed so I am really missing my snuggly feeds and the new learning experience of another baby :) I learned so much when I had fraser, he has made me into the parent I am today, ben and jamie started me on my way, but I cannot wait to do all those things that i did with a tiny fraser that I wasnt confident enough to fully do with ben and jamie, like cloth bumming, co sleeping, tandem feeding and baby wearing. The excitement is too much! :) We have our 12 week scan on thursday, I am nervous. I always get nervous at scans. I worry about the baby and if its ok. I hold my breath until I see the heartbeat and hear her say "baby looks fine" I am excited at the same time though. its a milestone in pregnancy that I will have reached, one step closer to meeting this wonderful little bundle. We are hoping for a hypno home birth this time so I shall be looking for homebirth and hypnobirthing links if anyone has any good ones...

You know that calm the house falls into when a new baby is here? the blissful sighs as baby sleeps, the siblings staring at them with love and adoration, the smells of a new baby in the air, the feel of them sleeping against your chest and the soft fuzziness of their skin, that is what I am most looking forward to, the baby moon <3

this time 6 years ago.....

I was about to become a mother for the first time! To start a new journey, a new chapter of my life and to learn a million new things the second my baby was placed in my arms. That feeling was like a drug, this baby whom I had grown and bonded with for 9 months was finally here. I am so happy for that day.
 At that moment another amazing thing happened. after birthing my beautiful little boy my mum who had held my hand, stopped my husband fainting and urged me on throughout labour, showed me how to breastfeed. She helped me latch him on, telling me to wait until his mouth was wide open, bring him into me and latch with enough nipple in his mouth to stop it hurting, she then watched proudly as I breastfed him, chatting away about her first breastfeed when she had me and the lovely lady who had helped her latch me on, the support she had from my auntie and the blissed out feeling when she fed her babies.... I was part of it... the passing down of skills from one generation to another, the network of women I had never been able to be part of when I heard them speaking about motherhood, pregnancy and babies. I was now part of it, I was being taught a lifelong skill and being handed the knowledge I needed to keep my baby alive.
I wanted to pass on this information to other mums. I wanted to arm them with the knowledge they needed to breastfeed their babies and I wanted to stand back and witness that blissful, proud look on their faces as their babies fed.  Its one of the reasons I do what I do and the reason I love it so much. I now know how it feels from both sides.
A lot changed for me on that day, more than I ever thought would. Ben has made me so proud and I cant believe it has been 6 years already. He is everything I could have hoped for and more and I am so lucky to have such wonderful boys :)

marter

After the big drama about trying Fraser in his own room and us just not being ready, apart from being ill last week, he still isnt settling in our bed. He has a small cot beside my bed and he asks to go in it after feeds, so this is a good compromise for us. I dont want him to sleep in a cot, he has kind of chosen this himself so that makes it easier to go with.
I have had his room almost done now for a few weeks and its literally sitting there waiting for him. Beautiful safari animal theme with a nursing chair, cuddly toys and lovely things, all placed and arranged with lots of love and thought, but it lies empty and every night I pass by it and put him in our room.
Tonight however, I needed to tidy our room and put the new furniture in whilst the kiddies were asleep, so on the off chance he might settle in his own room just until I sort our room out, I fed him in the nursing chair and put him in his own big cot. He rolled over, went to sleep and is still asleep now!
You would think this would be music to my ears, I should be enjoying it and rellieved that it was so easy.... oddly no... I feel uneasy and at 2am I am sat here writing this rather than go to bed without him... am I never happy?!?
We will see how we both feel tomorrow, it might be back to sleeping beside mummy. I am quite happy to do what he wants and go with it when he is ready. I think the process of moving from mum and dads room and bed to his own room and cot is going to be a gradual process and maybe we both needs nights like these to ease us in gently.

Kelly ann xx

realisations in the dark

Recently, Fraser has been a bit of a nightmare. He has been teething and we have been quite sleep deprived. We have breastfed and co slept since the day he was born and he has always been fab at night. But... recently in my sleep deprived state, I have fallen into the trap of listening to the "he should be in his own bed by now, things will settle down when he is in his own room" blah de blah spiel! :(

In a frustrated, tired mess last night, I sat with him in his own room, breastfed him and settled him into his own cot. He slept all night! I started thinking that maybe I was being selfish keeping him in my room and he did need his own room... until tonight.
As I sat next to his cot with an overtired, unsettled baby and my hand through the bars trying to soothe him I suddenly thought, what the hell am I doing!!! This is against everything I believe in! Why am I not cuddling him, holding him next to me and settling him the way he has been settled since birth??? I picked him up, took him to our bed and as we lay feeding and snuggled up together, we stepped right back into our little bubble, our oasis of calm and bonding we have enjoyed since birth. It hit me... us mummies have it hard, sleep deprivation is hard, making the right decisions is hard, not taking the advice we dont feel is right, is hard! but really, in the grand scheme of things, its only a tiny part of our lives. Our babies will soon be grown. Every family have their own situations to work around and every baby is ready for things at different times, my little boy isnt ready for his own room... he still needs his mummy at nights and he still wants breastmilk, cuddles to sleep, to be carried in slings and to wear his bright colourful nappies and his rompers. I am gonna enjoy them while he still does because very soon he wont...