realisations in the dark

Recently, Fraser has been a bit of a nightmare. He has been teething and we have been quite sleep deprived. We have breastfed and co slept since the day he was born and he has always been fab at night. But... recently in my sleep deprived state, I have fallen into the trap of listening to the "he should be in his own bed by now, things will settle down when he is in his own room" blah de blah spiel! :(

In a frustrated, tired mess last night, I sat with him in his own room, breastfed him and settled him into his own cot. He slept all night! I started thinking that maybe I was being selfish keeping him in my room and he did need his own room... until tonight.
As I sat next to his cot with an overtired, unsettled baby and my hand through the bars trying to soothe him I suddenly thought, what the hell am I doing!!! This is against everything I believe in! Why am I not cuddling him, holding him next to me and settling him the way he has been settled since birth??? I picked him up, took him to our bed and as we lay feeding and snuggled up together, we stepped right back into our little bubble, our oasis of calm and bonding we have enjoyed since birth. It hit me... us mummies have it hard, sleep deprivation is hard, making the right decisions is hard, not taking the advice we dont feel is right, is hard! but really, in the grand scheme of things, its only a tiny part of our lives. Our babies will soon be grown. Every family have their own situations to work around and every baby is ready for things at different times, my little boy isnt ready for his own room... he still needs his mummy at nights and he still wants breastmilk, cuddles to sleep, to be carried in slings and to wear his bright colourful nappies and his rompers. I am gonna enjoy them while he still does because very soon he wont...